• A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

  • A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

  • An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

  • A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

  • An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

  • A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

  • A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

  • A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

  • A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

  • A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

  • A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.