PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM

Best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in your home!

EXERCISE ONE
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door.
Shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.
Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect.
Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car.
Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE
Freeze two metal bookends over night.
Strip to the waist.
Invite a stranger into the room.
Press the bookends against one of your breasts.
Smash the bookends together as hard as you can.
Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE NOW TOTALLY PREPARED!